A Different Kind of Day

Today was kinda hard.

I’m not entirely sure why yet, but something felt, at the very least, slightly off today. It was interesting
when we worked our pieces in the groups and during the walk around with everybody, but the feeling
of connection I had the other day wasn’t all there today. Don’t get me wrong, there was still a significant
amount of good feeling with everybody in there, but something was definitely missing.

The walk around during warm ups was the first time I noticed it. These last few class periods have been so connected and joyful for me, and as I connect with my classmates in our work I’m consistently overcome with a feeling of love and gratitude for them, and I think it has significantly improved the quality of all of our work. I’ve especially loved the feedback I’ve received from my classmates and their contributions to my work in the class. But like I said, today was different. When we were walking around, I felt like I was doing everything the same way I have before; the same energy, the same focus, and attempting to make the same connections. But whenever I would look into someone’s eyes, it was almost like something was being shut off between us. I’ve never felt anything like it in class before, and I’m really, really not a fan. To be fair, there were several moments that I definitely felt it with a couple people, but nowhere near the extent that I have been, and with nowhere near the same amount of people. This might all be in my head, and I’m sure others in the class had a very different experience in the room today, but this was at least mine.

Things didn’t get much better once we split up into the smaller groups. Where before the feedback that I’ve received has been helpful and, more importantly I think, has come from a place of connection, mutual respect, and some type of love almost, the feedback today, both what I received and what I gave, felt dead in some way. I have a ton of respect and admiration for both of my partners in the feedback group, but it felt like none of us wanted to be there today -- and maybe that’s really all it was. It’s Wednesday, I’ve had rehearsal every night for as long as I can remember, and I slept badly last night. However, I’ve got to learn to not let that affect my participation and enjoyment in class. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from this class, Urinetown, and this year in general is that everything truly is an audition, and I need to treat every interaction I have as such. Even though it sound really selfish and despicable, I’ve started to focus on how each and every interaction I have has the potential to shape both my life and the life of the person I’m interacting with, and how I wish to benefit from my relationship with that person. I may have gone about it the wrong way, but ever since I’ve changed my perspective in that way I’ve found myself being happier and more outgoing, and I rarely don’t have a smile on my face, simply because of how happy I am with where I am and the wonderful people I get to be around every day, and a ton of that is because of this class.

Now, to make the rest of the semester even better.